i heard this avril lavigne song, and these 2 phrases seriously got into me like hell much la .. i mean, its like i can actually feel what the lyrics mean .. u know, like i was there before, and i've thought that ...

sometimes i get so weird
i even freak myself out
i laugh my self to sleep
its my lullaby

sometimes i drive so fast
just to feel the danger
i want to scream
it makes me feel alive.

seriously i know what's its like to freak myself out by the things i do la ... then laughing myself to sleep is just another cliche example, though i don't do that. but maybe laughing is the reason to my probs la ... thats why last yr was so different from this .. right somebody??

sometimes i feel like getting that driving license soon enough, cos then i'll be able to do car racing. like driving so fast, looking down the highest floor of the building, scare myself, doing things i don't know why, then freaking myself out, or maybe just the mere thought of what way would i suicide if i were to suicide .....
these stuff let me feel the danger and the thrill i don't get la .. i want the danger. i seek danger ..
ask that somebody las yr, how did u feel when i put u in danger of the gang with ppl u don't even know except by means of threatening messages through phone? how the hell did u feel?
cos at that moment, i get the thrill, and i felt so high.
but now the thought of it like freaks myself out, if u know what i mean ...
ya, i still remember the sacrifices, which melted into nothing, cos sometimes, i jus don't want the concern and care u shower upon me.
sometimes i'm jus out in search of trouble trouble and more trouble. just to feel that mere danger and the insecurity .. the extreme thrill i get u know?!

then i get upset and i dunno i jus flared .. and then everything just faded away .. into what i now call memories ...

and seriously speaking, i scream to make myself feel alive and alright whenever i need help.

so i think i'm just somekinda pyscho that u all don't have to bother about, cos i'm not jus like any ordinary u ...

sometimes i feel so touched to have u all supporting me through, but when i think back .. a year ago .. i suddenly jus feel like giving it all up to nothing ... cos i think that everything would just become literally dust.

i have this strong symphony of nostalgia within me .. its so thick its surrounding and i'm vulnerable any moment, its so tight i can't breathe.
whenever i look at some things, or hear the melody or lyrics, then i want to break down. but i jut can't break down.
have u ever felt like that? its like so near yet so far, cos i just can't cry. i reallly can't ... cos i have this will within me, that i'm strong, i'm really strong and i can't cry.
thats the believe i have, and it guided me through.
and that i've never shed a tear in school or in public because i'm strong, i don't give up trying, i there, and i won't fall back, neither would i allow any one to push me behind. i'm going to reach my destination and i'm going to prove it one day.

i know after u read this, u think i'm some fantasizing kid with serious attitude problem or lack a spectrum to life. but you're wrong there, cos i have everything i need and i'm jus weird, so weird, no one understands me and i'm even looking into self-reflection myself just to understand who i am.

and one sharp key i've realised is that i'm strong and i'll let no one, not a single soul get something from me or affect me. no, i'm not selfish, but i don't wanna be affected. i'm going to work that hard and reach that far for what i want .. and in the end of the day i'm going to be satisfied and prove to the whole goddamned world.

i'm just sick of this world, and have u ever felt like ending it? i'm on my way right down to the nearest breakdown stop in life. but i'll never stop for the biggest boulder on my path.

i say to myself sometime like, "look, this is how the world's treating me" ... cos its just a brutal and faithless world we're living in.
its a 3dimensional view on, "if u don't care, then i don't care" ... or "i care about me and me only, and i heck my ass of u"
yeahh ... like that.
what is this? damn it.

its not like i absolutely condemn the life i'm living .. cos no no and no .. i live the perfect life. yes, u would kill to live my life.
but that's just keenly material and surface.
thats why u all don't understand.
cos all u see is the plain outside of things, never the inside.
u say u see the inside.
fucking words u say, sounding so perfectionably creme de la creme.


its been long since i returned to my last yr self,
and when u ask a guy in my class to give a description for sarah,
they'll say, "very cool and good actress."
okay, that's a true example okay.
but i realised i changed bloodayye muchh ..
and now if u ask any mind in my class,
that so would not be the answer.
goddamned.

its been freaking long,
since i opened my mouth to curse.
cos i know its wrong.

and wrong is wrong.
people who do wrong are right nowadays.
and people who do right are just right.
where's the lfie in this?
society ... my ass!

if this is the shit u throw at my face
then goddamned it.
cos these stuff i've witnessed like zillionite times,
and no, i never never ever ever said anything.
i've never made my stand
but now i'm going to say it out.
its called publicizing.


okay.
emo emo emo me.
i'm sorrayyyyyye! (:
really if u've read this post and felt its a total waste of time.

i just felt like i must say it, if not i'll burst.
its letting go.

i'm letting go of the nice memories 'somebody' gave me last year.
i'm letting go of the faux me last year.
i'm letting go the attitude i grasped.

okayyes.
i guess i've shit talked enough.
and u alll mus feel ever so bored out.
u'd just close the windows now.
but don't let this post of mine give u a bad impression of me.
its not like i want to.
but i realise, this is the best way to let go.



sorraye for the emo-ing.
loveya
byes.